I couldnt even afford groceries for the month it was time to start a new chapter at first I thought this was a joke.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
When he came back upstairs, he had a garden stake in his hand...about the size of the cane but less flexible. I think it might be metal covered in a hard plastic - I'm not actually sure. I was told to get in position over the ottoman, and then he proceeded to wail on my bottom with the stake, the plank, and the crop pretty much nonstop for about ten minutes. And, yes, the new way of using the crop is even more ouchie (Lord knows I didn't think that was possible)! He was also much stricter about me staying in position, and lectured me throughout the whole experience. It's pretty amazing how far HE has come in his training into the role of HoH. Yikes.
It's been about five hours and my bottom is still REALLY tender. I am still feeling close to tears, pretty humble, and more surrendered. He most certainly provided a memorable spanking today, and it was only a training spanking! He said my next punishment will be more severe and memorable. I'm going to do everything I can to avoid earning a punishment for sure!
As far as training goes, tomorrow is my LAST day!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
So today's question is....why in the world am I craving a spanking? I dreamt about it last night and I can't get the thought of a spanking out of my mind today. To answer the obvious question: no, I have not done anything to earn one except for two really, really minor rule violations this morning.
Friday, March 4, 2011
I will finish my training period on Wednesday assuming I don't get a punishment between now and then. I'm worried things will begin to disintegrate when we aren't doing daily spankings. I worry both about my attitude, which I hope He will continue to keep tightly under supervision, and that My Love will begin to get lackadaisical about DD. My Love is growing more and more into his role as HoH, and I hope he remains strict and firm. I'm afraid everything will fall apart - I enjoy my submissiveness but also struggle with it. I crave it, yet sometimes fight against it.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Instead, he was unwrapping the butt plug set. When he told me I could get out of the corner, there was a plug just waiting for me. He gave me some specific instructions and told me to go take a shower and then come back for the plug. It was a mighty long shower...
When I came back into the bedroom, he inserted it with a few twists and sent me on my way. I was expected to wear it until I arrived home this evening.
About halfway through my commute (the plug had been in for about 90 minutes by then), I started to cramp a bit and it began to hurt. I called him and he said that the length of time had been a guess on his part so he was ok with me removing it when I got to the office. About ten minutes later, it really hurt so I called him again. I explained that I wasn't going right to the office and asked if I could remove it before my first appointment. I even said, "I will happily take a hard spanking in exchange." He agreed I could stop and take it out.
When I did get to a restroom, I discovered a huge Vaseline stain on my panties and pants! Luckily, my coat covered it up.
I called him again and explained my discovery. When he first answered, i could tell he was growing tired of my calls. Once he heard the story, though, he sympathized and approved a quick shopping trip (I am not allowed to buy without permission). Well....that's one way to get to go shopping, I guess!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
There were a few times during the week last week that I probably got a little too sassy. Then there was Friday morning when He woke me up and requested I service him so to speak. I obliged while being pretty ticked internally. Friday was the first day I had been able to sleep in since the previous Saturday and, man, I love my sleep! Then after a few minutes, he told me to climb on top of him. I threw a bit of a fit and exclaimed, "Come on! Really?!". He replied, "Yes, really." And I said, "I don't think so. I haven't been able to sleep in for a week, it's 6 am and I have to get up early tomorrow. This is unreasonable." He asked me to roll over and we spooned instead, but I knew he was angry with me even though he didn't really say anything at the time. And I was pretty damn furious that I had been woken up. I had been in a work seminar all week, and the entire week had been incredibly emotionally and physically exhausting and intense. I was spent.
So, anyway, back to Monday...
He sent me upstairs Monday morning and I knew we were resuming DD and that I was going to be spanked. He had me go over his knee and it became obvious pretty quickly that it wasn't going well. I was a little....ummm....surly. I had real issues with the punishment he was planning and beginning to carry out and I was so angry. It seemed so unfair. I did not protest physically, though, and whenever he asked me a question, I dutifully answered but was clear that I thought it was unfair and/or that I felt like we should talk about it before the punishment happened. He finally decided we could talk about it but made me state my case while over his knee! That just ticked me off more.
After about ten minutes, we had a pretty good conversation and things relaxed. He saw my point and understood when I expressed that we had agreed to take last week off but then it seemed like some parts of our arrangement hadn't been put on hiatus. I was so befuddled. I had also asked him three times last week if we could clarify his expectations for the week, but we never had the conversation. I really was not trying to get out of a punishment - this was about being held to unclear standards. We finally talked everything out, but he expressed some exasperation and said, "I'm not sure I will ever do this lifestyle right." He was frustrated too - with himself, with me, with my behavior, but mostly with how we had messed up the week and the morning.
After a pretty tame training spanking, I eventually asked for the crop (my absolute least favorite implement!) because I felt like we both needed to give a little and that he had been a bit too willing to give in. It made a big difference especially for him and his mindset, I think. It hurt like hell.
This morning, I weighed in and I had lost a full pound. We were back to confusion - should I have lost two pounds since I hadn't weighed in last week or did weight loss not figure in last week either? He expressed that he really didn't know what to do. I asked if I could make a suggestion. He said that was fine. I suggested fifteen swats with the cane, which was half as many as I would have received if weight loss had been expected last week. He thought that was reasonable. I went over the ottoman and he swung the cane HARD! It was very adequate punishment. But near the end, the brand new cane split in two! It was the first time we had even used it. He finished off with it anyway and then I was expected to get ready for work.
My back end is pretty dang sore today!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Monday brought more than a training spanking...I was punished for forgetting my meds on Sunday and for almost crossing the line during a tricky conversation with a coworker. I asked to be given a reminder spanking for the conversation because I came so close and had another meeting on Monday with the same person. To really drive the point home, I was told to soap my mouth during my shower, too.
Tuesday, one of the kids was home from school, so I lucked out and didn't weigh in or get spanked, When Wednesday came, I weighed in and had no weight loss for the week. That, of course, meant 25 hard swats along with a warm up. My Love told me that if i do not make weight next Tuesday, he will decide what i do and do not eat for the following week That combined with the rest of his words made the experience one of the most effective spankings and lectures I have ever had.
Then Thursday, I had the best training spanking ever - complete with an effective lecture. By 5pm, though, I was in bed battling a bug. I still felt crummy on Friday and so we skipped maintenance.
Next Friday, I have a laser appointment so we are not doing spankings all week. I'm a little worried how that will play out. He has promised alternative punishments and had me order a set of butt plugs last week (that haven't arrived yet!). Should be an interesting week...
Saturday, February 12, 2011
I came home with the beginnings of a migraine on Wednesday night and it raged throughout the night. By morning, it was still lingering. My Love kindly decided that a training spanking was not necessary given my aching head. He did insist, though, that I go to the gym with him and work out. I didn't want to, but I respected his instructions.
I had to leave early on Friday morning for a work commitment, so maintenance was scrapped this week. I'm sure Monday will bring a training spanking. In the past, when we've missed a few days in a row, we seem to get into a funk. I'm hopeful that doesn't happen this time.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Most of last week ended up being non-spanking due to school cancellations for the kids. Friday was maintenance, but it was pretty half-hearted and non-eventful. I made it through all the snow days and the weekend without doing anything worthy of punishment...I guess I'm at least learning something. Monday of this week came along without anything exciting - I had to be at work early that day so training wasn't held.
Tuesday was weigh in day - down 1.4 lbs!!! That meant no spanking related to weight. However, I did receive a pretty extensive training spanking. At the beginning of my spanking, as I lay on the bed, my cat curled up atop my legs. I think she was trying to intervene! The dog has now learned that if I head to my closet door for corner time, he prefers to get lost and not stick around in the room to watch the events! Thank Goodness the cat at least sticks around and does what she can to help.
My Love mentioned that my sit spots looked a little bruised, which surprised me. Those would have to be pretty old bruises. Maybe, I hoped, it would tenderize his swats. No such luck. I'm not sure if it was because it's been awhile or because of the implements chosen or because of how He used them - regardless of the reason, it sure seemed like more than a training session to me. I didn't really "appreciate" that (more on that later). He used the dreaded riding crop - I'm not sure how to explain that tortuous device. At the time of use, it hurts like hell, stings, leaves welts, and smacks down hard (especially at the tip where there is a little piece of leather all flattened). All that stated, I'm not sure it is "effective." Beyond that, I'm struggling for words...the only way I can explain it is that it is annoying. As a comparison, the cane was effective. When we used one (before He broke ours inadvertently), it hurt, left welts, stung, got the point across, etc. But it was also effective. The crop...it's annoying. And, no, I'm not simply trying to get out of it being used. I'm really struggling with this whole thing.
Strangely enough, even with the annoying crop and all the wooden stingers used, I was surprised that the discomfort didn't stay with me throughout the day - at the time, the swats were certainly sufficient to cause a lingering effect. Once someone has been at this awhile, does the lingering lessen? It just doesn't make sense - the session itself was likely more severe than the previous ones that did have lingering effects. I don't get it.
Then this morning came. The day brought sunshine and a spanking. Yesterday, after training, He asked me put the box of implements away. I said I would as soon as I fed my fish (I'm pretty addicted to the iPad/iPod game Tapfish). He was ok with that at the time (or at least seemed to be), but then I forgot to put the box away. When I got home last night, the box was in my walk in closet but not where it is normally stored. I was pretty sure this morning would bring a warming surprise. I forgot one other time and I do know better, so this whole event just amps the ante on the annoyance factor. Yes, I know I need to do what I'm told. Yes, I know that not putting the box away could lead to the curious children finding it and asking about it. Yes, I f-ed up. Again. Grr. So this morning, out came the box and over the ottoman I went.
Here's what doesn't make sense, though. The session was pretty severe and hurt like hell. The stinging and pain bordered on more than I can bear. I absolutely could not stay in position or stay still due to the stinging and the pain. This most certainly wasn't a case of "not getting punished enough," yet at the end of it, I was more annoyed than penitent. Maybe I'm just frustrated with myself for doing something (or rather, not doing something) so stupid and easy. Maybe the honeymoon phase on our new lifestyle is wearing thin. I've found myself lately honestly wondering if this makes sense for us and for me. Our deal is that we will do DD until I reach my goal weight (about 17 lbs to go), but I really have a sense of ick toward the whole thing right now. It's not just because I was just punished - I've been wondering this for a few days.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
We are experiencing heavy snows, so I stayed put and worked from home today. Doing so enabled me to accompany My Love to the grocery store. It's been so long since I have done full on grocery shopping that it was hard to stay focused and not explore every option and possibility! I intentionally, though, let Him lead the way through the store and asked before I put anything in the cart. It was great to experience this new level of being a submissive wife.
I am finding submission to be such a journey, and I am yearning to submit ever more fully day by day. Each day provides its ups and downs with my commitment and desire to submit. Even so, I can't imagine ever going back to our old ways. I am seeing positive changes in myself and in our marriage and I am so thankful for it all.
Monday, January 31, 2011
I was also given a less severe spanking before all that for taking my meds a few minutes late on Saturday. Good heavens - will I ever be able to remember what it's like to have a non-tender back end?
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Well, much to my absolute surprise this morning, He decided NOT to have this weekend off. :(
He woke me up at 7 and told me to get out the implements and lay over the ottoman. Not only did I get a pretty severe spanking, he used the plank (a piece of outdoor treated lumber) and who knows what else. I can assure you it wasn't quiet! After about five or so nonstop minutes of hard swats and lots of lecturing, he then announced, "After each swat, you will say, 'I will endeavor to be on time.'". The swats were harder and there must have been about 20-30 of them.
Both before and after the spanking, He left the door open to our bedroom while I was expected to remain still. Thank God the kids didn't wake up and see me like that! Afterward, I was told to go make coffee and to tend to the pets. (normally, he does this).
It's been two hours since that spanking and my bottom still hurts SO much - He even covered the sides pretty thoroughly so laying on my sides hurts too. A part of me feels like sobbing but the other part of seems to be holding on tightly to stubborn self control and a "you won't make me cry" attitude. Of course, I'm not about to say any of this to him aloud!
I need some advice from those of you who have been at this longer - After today's spanking, I feel like I'm right on the tipping point of fuller submission. I know that's a good thing, but there's a part of me that is feeling pretty pouty and even like I don't want to be around Him because I've been punished so much. It feels pretty childish and I don't like that feeling. Help!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Well, I got off easy on that. I received a warning and a training spanking on Thursday. Phew.
Friday was maintenance day. My Love has most definitely gotten the hang of maintenance! I was spanked while laying over the ottoman and OTK. He used his hand, the glue stick, the bat, and the damn brush. I once again came so close to tears. It's like I get right to the edge of tears and then pull it together. Sigh.
I also received punishment on Friday for a messy desk and for not filling out my journal. Those swats came with me resting my forearms on the bed and bending over for the swats. They were pretty dang hard, but I think most of that is because my bum is so sore from all the spankings this week. It seemed like everything stung too.
Emotionally, I was really wishing we weren't practicing DD during Friday's spanking and I really wanted to beg him to stop. One of our rules is that I only speak when spoken to during punishments, so I tried not to speak. I seem to be entering into a new emotional space with all this lately - It's like I'm beginning to wrestle with the reality that I have chosen not to choose and consented not to be able to consent. While I know that's part of the journey, a little part of me is bubbling up and getting feisty (quietly feisty anyway) about it.
After my spankings on Friday (each session was separated by corner time), I just wanted to lay down. Instead, I was instructed to get in the shower and get ready. I really didn't want to do that, but I knew better than to question Him or disobey. Then, once I was ready, he surprised me by taking me out to breakfast. A nice treat!
Later in the day, I had an appointment out of town. On my way back, I stopped to check my email on my iPod at a place where there was wireless. I lost track of time and ended up late to my next appointment. When I arrived there, I mentioned that I needed to cut our time short so I wouldn't be late to pick up the kids from school. The other person promised to watch the time, so I didn't. Well, as you might guess, I ended up having to call My Love and ask him to pick up the kids. My call ended up interrupting Him in the middle of something and He was not at all pleased.
Once I got home, he shared his displeasure and disappointment. I expressed that I really wished I didn't have to wait until Monday for punishment. He flatly said, "Me either. I'm pretty mad about the whole thing."
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
When I came back in the bedroom after my shower, He said, "Hey, I'm really sorry if that was too hard but, you know, it wouldn't have hurt so much if you hadn't been getting so many punishments lately." Very, very true. It's been a painful week. [As an aside, after Monday's multi-punishment extravaganza, I got 25 stinging and hard swats with the belt yesterday for not losing any weight last week.]
Then....open mouth, insert foot...I said, "Yeah, I shouldn't have questioned you. I'm sorry." One would think this was a wise response, right? Well...
He replied, "You know what? You are right. Make a note of that disobedience in your journal and we'll address it tomorrow morning."
Monday, January 24, 2011
We ended up having a wonderful conversation for about a half hour. We talked a lot about Him growing into His role as HoH and as the authority. He is such a tender-hearted, kind, and calm man...sometimes the transition is tricky for him. I shared that I feel safer knowing he is in charge, and I mentioned how much of a turning point it was for me last week when we agreed clearly that this lifestyle will be in place at least until I lose the 20 pounds I need to lose. At that point, I realized that I'm not allowed to try to get out of a punishment or try to change the rules of the game whenever I want. I reassured him that it will be really important to be very strict if I ever attempt to avoid a spanking or if I cop an attitude about this lifestyle.
We also talked about punishments and ultimate goals. We are still finding a groove regarding non-spanking punishments and the various options available to Him for this. I seem to lean more quickly toward more stringent expressions, while He feels that we will get there if I continue to disobey and/or break certain rules. He sees the situation as responding with a 5 and working up from there, while I seem to yearn for 10s during training so it is crystal clear who is in charge. I feel like the ultimate goal is my submission and his authority with secondary goals/effects being an improved and more intimate marriage and my own personal self-improvement. Before our talk, His ultimate goal was to help me claim more personal responsibility (e.g., taking my meds, working out, being on time, etc). It was helpful to clarify this. We talked about how my disobedience in not following the rules is by far the most serious infraction and that breaking the rule itself is, while serious, a lesser infraction.
I am so deeply grateful He is willing to spank and discipline me. He doesn't necessarily feel that this comes naturally for him, but I think that is exactly why this works for us and why I can turn over my trust to him. If he was all psycho about tiny things and freaked out about totally trying to control me, I don't know that I could surrender to him so openly. I actually encouraged him to "cross the line" (his words expressing his concern that he might overdo a punishment or become over-authoritarian). Until he does so, he won't know for certain where the line is for him.
Even with an incredibly sore bottom, I can say I am so grateful for Him. When he is willing to spend time disciplining me and spend energy leaning into His role as HoH, He is displaying His love and commitment to our marriage, my wellbeing, and me. I am so deeply in love with my wonderful, incredible Man!
Now I don't know why this is the case, but there is something especially humiliating about having to pull my pants down to my knees and get a spanking. It seems to affect me more emotionally than being naked for a spanking. So there I was, pants down to the knees with my already red bottom bared. He told me to lay over the ottoman and brace myself. I knew it was going to be bad - it was another spanking for not working out (one session for each of the two times I neglected to work out last week) and the last one had been pretty severe.
He started with a few uncounted minutes with the cane and lectured me about the opportunities I did indeed have to work out last week. He also mentioned that I would be expected to provide him with a copy of this week's schedule showing when I would schedule my FOUR workouts this week (I am usually expected to workout 3 times a week). The lecture continued with His commentary about how He did not appreciate me copping an attitude about "since I already knew I was going to get a spanking for not working out, I wasn't very motivated to work out on Sunday." I had said this to him earlier in the day (did I mention this in my last post? My bottom hurts too much for my mind to keep track of those kinds of details!). Then he commenced with 30 counted strokes with the cane for not working out. Afterward, I hugged him and thanked him as is expected.
But, we weren't done yet. Because I copped an attitude, I was put back over the ottoman and given 15 hard swats with the plank. OUCH! I most certainly feel sufficiently punished (and I'm on my way to the gym after I post this).
I was left in position for a few minutes, and He began to put the implements away during that time. I have to admit that as I lay there with my warm, sore bottom glowing, I smiled to myself when HoH went to put the cane away and accidentally snapped it in two! Goodbye nasty cane!
My punishments for other infractions started this morning at about 7:50am with me in the corner. First, I was given about 10-15 minutes worth of swats with the hairbrush OTK because I didn't take my meds until about 4pm last Friday (I'm supposed to take them by 9am each day). For some weird reason, the stinging increased dramatically the last half of the session. I actually thought He had changed implements, but he hadn't. I was then sent back to the corner and stayed there quite awhile. He walked out of the room, and I heard him go to the linen closet and then to the bathroom. I thought He was preparing a mouthsoaping for me! When he came back to the room, his demand for me to do something else came as a welcome surprise. Afterward, I was told to get dressed and go downstairs for breakfast.
After breakfast and some casual conversation, I was sent back upstairs and back to the closet door (my "corner"). Then He told me to lay on the bed with pillows under my bottom (if I'm going to be spanked, this is the best position IMO). Oh my, did I get punished! He started with the belt and continued for quite awhile. Then, He moved on to the plank and I was instructed to count each swat...all the way to 30! All hard. All stinging. Some way too closely after the last one. And, then, you guessed it...back to the closet door.
I have another similar session coming sometime later this morning for the same type of infraction: not working out at least 3 times last week. I only worked out once last week. At the end of the second session, as I was giving him our customary post-spanking hug and thanking him for my punishment, I dared to ask if it was for both missed workouts. "No," he said, "you have another punishment coming later for the other missed workout."
Sigh. I've already got one sore bottom and He's not done yet. I said something to him a few minutes ago about how I thought he was preparing a mouthsoaping earlier and about how I didn't work out yesterday because I already knew I was going to be punished for not working out. He responded, "Hmm...well, you wouldn't be receiving the punishment you're getting later today if you had worked out yesterday. Maybe you can think about that during the upcoming spanking."
Sunday, January 23, 2011
After my corner time, Sir expects a thank you and hug. As I was in his arms, he said, "How do you feel?" I replied pretty weakly, "I hurt." "Gossip hurts," he responded flatly. Then the experience made sense - I was punished again for the same infraction. I'm clear that this one is a biggie and that the punishments for gossip will be severe and multiple. After the brief hug, He pulled away and said, "Now go get ready for your day." My little heart sank...no intimate moments afterward, no cuddling. The feeling of the punishment lingered even more strongly through the day.
But, somehow, my stupid mouth got the better of me just one day later. I did not have a training spanking on Wednesday due to an early morning appointment. Then later in the day, I ended up in a conversation with someone at work and dammit! I crossed the line again. I called Sir on my way home and explained the situation. He said that I indeed had crossed the line and would be punished. "I am disappointed that we're facing punishment for the same issue so soon," he said.
We had already discussed that there would be no training spankings on Thursday and Friday due to my attendance at a conference. However, He texted me on Thursday and shared an assignment. If I could not be spanked, I would still be punished. I was to write 100 lines of a long sentence he composed, an apology letter to the woman I spoke about, and another apology letter to the woman I spoke to. Then on Friday, He woke me up earlier than I had planned to get up, and He spanked me for 5-7 minutes with the cane. No warm ups beforehand and no niceties afterward. As he sent me to the shower to get ready for my day, I was also instructed to put soap in my mouth during my shower. That taste lingered all day long.
My letters have been turned in, my sentences have been copied, and I also wrote a letter to Him thanking him for the discipline and for his willingness to help me be a better person. I am not exactly sure if my punishment for my big mouth is yet complete. He has not told me one way or the other.
What I do know for sure is that tomorrow will bring more punishment. I did not get to the gym enough times this week. I hope my weigh in is positive; otherwise, I will receive a spanking for that as well. I also need to tell him that while I did take my meds on Friday, I did not do so by 9am as the rules state. Once again, Monday will come and find me with a sore bottom.
Due to all my punishments and to the days we have had to take off, my training is now extended until February 8. After tomorrow's punishment, it will extend to February 9. I could have completed training as of last Friday if I had not been punished during the training period. Training may simply be part of my reality for awhile, I suppose.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Perhaps the most interesting parts of our conversation this morning were about other punishments in addition to a spanking and how some rules are a bigger deal than others. We are struggling to find non-spanking additions to our repetoire so that I am crystal clear about His authority. The ideas we discussed were: Capsaicin applied afterward, having my clothes chosen for me, being diapered, writing lines, mouth soaping (especially for gossip), and early bedtime. He isn't sold on the diapering or clothing choice ideas, but I do think they would help. He didn't really express His opinion either way on the others, except to say, "I'll take that under advisement." There's something wonderful about me not knowing which he might choose.
As far as this No Gossip rule goes, it is one I asked for. I will likely be very sore and sorry that it was added because I am a verbal processor who trusts WAY too many people. So often, I will simply want to share my latest challenge with someone. It helps for me to discuss things and hear others' viewpoints. However, last week, I was caught red tongued so-to-speak. This is part of why last Tuesday's meeting was so hellish for me. I had said that I have trouble working with this one person one too many times and somebody repeated what I had said to her. She confronted me on it and my words came back to cause me a lot of problems. I know that I talk to too many people and trust too many people with too much information. This is definitely something I need to work on and something that has been an issue for me for a long, long time. I don't tend to actually talk bad about someone else for the purpose of spreading bad blood, but my mouth gets me into trouble for a lack of discretion far too often simply because I am venting or because I seek out too many people asking for advice on what to do. I am now only allowed to vent or ask for advice from a select group, which will help me stay clear of more delicate situations where I shouldn't be talking about stuff like this.
Monday is my weigh in day. If I haven't lost at least 1 pound, I receive 5-10 swats for every 2/10th of a pound I am over. Luckily, I lost enough weight this week to skip a spanking for that. However, I was punished twice today for other infractions. My bottom is SORE and red and reminding me every minute to be good.
- At 10am, I was spanked for leaving water bottles around the house, laundry not being put away, only working out twice last week, and gossip. I had no idea I was being punished for the bottles and the laundry until I was already over His knee! It was a hard spanking and He used the cane, plank, brush, gluestick, and his hand. Afterward, I was put in the corner on my knees for probably about 15 minutes.
- Then at 1pm, I was punished again for gossip (not that I gossiped more...I was given additional punishment for the original time and to break a long-standing habit). That was a YOWSA of a spanking! YIKES! I was expected to lie over the ottoman while he used the belt (new to us), the board and his hand. He spanked me HARD for at least 10 minutes. I was very close to the "I promise to never, ever be naughty again!" point. It was most certainly a punishment. For this punishment, He had me lower my workout pants, fetch and return the implements with my pants around my ankles, and kneel in the corner with them down as well. I'm not sure why, but it was more humiliating to me than being naked (our usual practice for spankings). Somehow, I didn't cry. I wish I could get to the point of tears - I think the release would be so cathartic.
- After the second spanking, we went to workout. When we returned, I also had to help shovel snow this afternoon (usually, My Husband expects the kids to help with this but not me).
- I'm not sure if it's over yet or not. This morning, we talked about other possible non-spanking punishments, so I may also be given an early bedtime, lines, or something else...he hasn't told me yet.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
I had two high pressure meetings at work this week - one on Monday and one on Tuesday. After the Tuesday meeting, I was completely spent. Emotional energy was at an all-time low. When I came home on Tuesday, I asked My Love if we could take Wednesday morning off. I had shared the details of the meeting with him by cell on my way home (don't worry - I have a hands free system!). He agreed that made a lot of sense.
But...that's led us into a weird space. Taking Wednesday off led to taking Thursday off and to a half-assed maintenance session on Friday. Now we're in a funk. We just finished talking about where we go from here. We both see the benefits of the first week, and we both noticed a big change on Wednesday and Thursday. At the same time, we're both clear that taking Wednesday off made a lot of sense. Thursday? Well, neither of us can decide if that was a good idea or not.
I really appreciate My Love's willingness to help me grow and change and also to have a voice in the tricky times. We're both clear that right before a punishment is absolutely not a time when I can ask for reprieve, yet asking to take Wednesday off from training because of the intensity at work on both Monday and Tuesday made a lot of sense to both of us. That request was not motivated by my behavior or trying to get out of a spanking, it was based on emotional energy levels and circumstances of life outside the bedroom.
We also talked about rules and whether there might be too many of them right now. For example, sometimes I am late because it is just the nature of my work and my job tasks. Perhaps those times of tardiness are ok, while other times are not. It's a constant process of reflection, communication, and consideration.
We are trying to give this lifestyle the ole college try again starting on Monday with the weekly weigh in. The rules will likely take another edit, too (we review them each Monday). Sigh...it would be so nice if life was black and white and clear cut sometimes. At the same time, it'd be pretty boring.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
On Monday, I weighed in and was thrilled to have lost over a pound. That kept me from getting a spanking due to my weight. However, I had been late getting some banking paperwork done on Saturday and had caused us to be late to the gym on Saturday. That ended up causing a sore bottom.
As we began, he started with his hand and a warm up. "Oh crap," I thought, "this probably means he's planning to spank for quite awhile." He hasn't done a warm up since 2003. I then got 20 swats with a paddle. I had to be honest when he asked me if I felt adequately punished...I didn't. BUT I didn't think that would mean receiving 50 counted swats with the brush! Ouchie.
On Tuesday, I was spanked for taking my meds late on Monday. How ironic, eh? I had been spanked on Monday for being late and then I was late again just minutes after the spanking. Argh. On Tuesday, he thought it would be a good idea to introduce the last of our implements, so I received 12 with a riding crop and 14 with a cane along with a number of swats with his hand. The plank has now been replaced as the worst item and the cane now reigns.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
I thought the experience would be embarrassing but it really wasn't. Just like when I've has massages and facials, a wrap was provided and the tech was nonchalant (after all, this is what she does all the time. I'm just another client). I had a little split "skirt" wrap around my waist, and the technician only exposed a small section at a time. The laser treatment itself really didn't hurt at all. It had been described to me as "feeling like a quick rubber band snap." I'm not sure I'd even say it was that ouchie. Perhaps the strangest part was being shaved prior to treatment - I hadn't shaved myself because I didn't think they would be able to begin today and she was more than willing to do it and to prep the area. About halfway though, I wondered to myself if I had any marks on my bottom. If I did, the technician was the consummate professional and did not say a word. However, it was embarrassing to be lying there wondering. Immediately afterward, it was really warm where the laser had been. That lasted less than an hour. I have absolutely no discomfort or post-treatment issues now.
As you might expect, My Love was thrilled that the first session could occur today. Full removal will take 6-9 sessions, each about 5-6 weeks apart. What surprised me is that the tech treated the entire area today and will do likewise each time. The full effect will occur over time.
Update at 11:10am. Well, all is reconciled but I'm now 10 minutes late for being ready to go to the gym (which I agreed to do this morning at about 9). I still have a little clean up left in Quicken on our accounts that will take about 10-15 minutes, but the technicality of all being reconciled was met.
I really need My Love to help me with prioritizing and procrastination. Crud. Those might take awhile to conquer.
Update #2 at 7:50pm. This afternoon, My Love came upstairs as I was finishing various details in Quicken (which took longer than the 10-15 minutes I thought it would). He looked at the clock, but didn't say anything. I caught his eye and said, "I know. It's all I could think about during my workout today." He breathed a heavy sigh and said, "What do you suggest we do about this?" I explained that I agreed I needed to be punished. I also offered that perhaps an additional workout, at a time of his choosing, should be expected of me this week. He agreed and said, "Well, it will be a long wait until Monday when the punishment spanking happens." Yuck. Yes it will be.
We also talked about the prioritizing and procrastination issues. I suggested that if I continue to get into pinches because I am on the computer, then a password known only to him will be added to my laptop and he will manage my computer time. If my prioritizing and procrastination occur in non-computer ways, then my time may be managed more in other ways like bedtime or closer oversight.
As much as I would hate for things to come to this, I really am thankful that My Love is willing to help me with my challenges. These are my ideas and are for my own good. Really, all in all, I am a lucky girl.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Without meaning to, I seemed to create quite a stir on one of the email groups I am on. Last night, I asked for tips on helping with the process of submitting/humility...and then I added a trigger word after another slash: shaming. It seemed to kind of freak some people out. Maybe that's what I get for posting to the list so late at night - my brain was not at its most eloquent I suppose. I showed the posts to my husband, (1) thinking that he could see them at any time anyway because he has my passwords and I'd rather be forthcoming than have him discover them on his own, and (2) asking for guidance (as in: was I really that off base?). He was fine with it all and with my responses to those on the lists. That was reassuring.
What's been disappointing for me is that even given the volume of responses, the root question has barely been addressed. Instead, there have been a bunch of emails (from me and others) clarifying my choice of words. It's been interesting to see the range of interpretations - some are so tentative to offer insight (ironically, their insights seem to be most fitting and helpful) while one person jumped to unintended interpretations (Oh boy....the joy of email, I suppose. Ick.) and still others have been open to ask for clarification or enter into discussion (I appreciate these folks - I'm all for conversation and the back and forth has been helpful). This experience is yet another living example of what happens in human groups in general, how easily a group can get off topic, and how groups end up focusing on something that wasn't meant to be the focus. I'm part of this reality, too, and not trying to sound like an arrogant know-it-all with this observation.
The most interesting reflection on all this for me is how I react to the jumper. Reacting to someone who is reacting at/to me is a habit that is hard to break. In writing, I think I did a decent job. Inside my head, I get a little worked up. Then it just becomes an energy drain. What a silly waste of time and resources. Maybe someday, I'll learn.
So, anyway, the root question was one of submission. As someone who is sought for insight at work and who has professional influence, it is a challenge to shift gears at home. I think even my husband would agree that I am respectful - it's not like I come home and try to take over the world (usually I'm just too plain tired for that if nothing else). Respect isn't the issue and I do not come home and try to run the whole marriage and/or family. I'm not usually mouthy or bitchy or insistent.
The challenge is more of a mindset thing, and I would really like some help on this. I don't think either one of us know how to deal with this and I'm not so sure increased spanking is the answer (I think until tonight, I did think that was the answer). The struggle is that I want to want to be submissive from someplace deep inside me. I can say that I indeed want that but to REALLY live it and have it pour out of some place deep inside me is another matter. I can intellectualize it and "play the game," but that's just an inauthentic show. I think the challenge for me relates to dependence upon my husband. As someone who can hold her own professionally and financially, this gets kind of tricky. One person who responded suggested that perhaps my intellectual ability gets in the way and I think she is spot on. I wanted to give her a big hug - not just because she hit the nail on the head but also because it was sad to see how hesitant she was in her words. Reading her post reminded me of something a wise mentor once shared with me: "Speak your truth even if your voice shakes." I found myself wanting to encourage this dear soul to find, claim and use her voice.
On another note...no training during weekends. This is both good and bad. I'm wondering if my attitude will take a nosedive during the weekend. Will My Love's work from the week begin to fade? In some ways, I feel like we're on a precipice in all this and taking a break will cause us to go back a step.
I've heard ad nauseum that DD is a constant work in progress and is a process. I understand that and am willing to enter into that process. I guess maybe what is bugging me is the not knowing how to encounter this current predicament. How can My Love help guide me along the path of submission? Neither of us seem to know that answer.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
The maintenance session (if I remember it correctly - I have had 3 spankings today and the details are beginning to blur) began with me bending over the end of the bed with my knees bent and feet on the floor. Then My Love spanked me with his hands using varying intensity levels and alternately using one or two hands. He also moved his body from my right to left a few times. My bottom was already pretty sore from the punishment spanking I had received about four hours earlier. My Love also used a new wood remnant that we're calling The Board. It is shorter and wider than the plank and he used it with less force, which was a welcome change. Then...
Little Miss, meet your closet door - your new "corner." Closet door, meet Little Miss. After the fairly extended hand spanking I was sent to the door and was instructed to place my feet shoulder width apart and to place my hands flat against the door at the height of my head. The longer I stood there, the more weary my hands and arms became. While I stood there, I discovered it was more effective if I kept my eyes open (why do I fess up to these insights and offer them to My Love?!), so that is also part of the corner time expectation. While I stood there, naked, I could see My Love reading the print out of my blog posts to date. We had decided prior to maintenance that he will have the password to my email, that I will create a file in my email account for emails I think he may want to see (although he can/will look at whatever else he wants to read), and that he will read my blog posts. It was humiliating to stand there naked and red-bottomed while he read my thoughts and reflections on other spankings. What is it about humiliation and shame that is so darn effective?! I just don't get it but I'm more and more convinced that it is very true.
I was then instructed to put my feet shoulder width apart, bend over and place my hands on top of the Rubbermaid bin that holds all our implements and other DD items. Maintenance was proving to be full of new experiences - two new positions and a new implement in one spanking. This position provided a different set of sensations, probably because my skin was more taut. After being spanked with My Love's hand some more, he alternately used the board as well. Then he tried the belt, which nearly brought me to tears. That experience is described above. He also delivered a series of quick, repetitive swats with both the board and the hand - that also nearly drew me to tears and it was very effective.
At that point, I think My Love must have looked at my bright red bottom and thought I'd had enough. Instead of declaring the maintenance session done, he asked me if I'd had enough. I actually said no. I asked him if I could be put over his knee and he agreed. We also took just a minute or two to discuss what he was saying as he spanked me - some of it was really effective but other words were really ruining the experience. I'm glad he was open to my comments. Normally, I would not dream of commenting or commentating during a spanking, but this time it really seemed to work well.
My Love grabbed a nearby chair and I went over his knees. I'm not sure I can adequately describe the feelings. There I was being spanked (again and again!) with his firm hand, yet it felt very safe and right. I really appreciated the security of being over his knee. It felt like our roles were very clear during this experience and I appreciated being a submissive wife with an authoritative husband. In a way, I did not want to move away from this position. I told him later that it was comforting and connective to be over his knees. We agreed that this position is probably good for maintenance but not for punishments.
After being over his knees, I asked if I could lay on my tummy on the bed. I was so, so, so close to tears but they just did not fall. I had a little tear here and there but not a full on release. After about 10-15 minutes (I'm guessing here...I really have no idea how long it was), I was told to get ready for the gym. We went to the gym with my bottom throbbing a bit and delivering copious amounts of heat during the 1.75 mile, 45 minute workout.
On the way home from the gym, we talked about what maintenance is and should be like. I mentioned that maintenance is an opportunity for me to be reminded why I do not want to break any rules, that I think a slower and more prolonged experience would be effective, and that one or two harsh swats with one or two of the more severe implements at the end would be enough to remind me to behave. Well, I really need to think twice before I just run off at the mouth with all the "great" ideas I have. When we came in the house, My Love looked at me and said, "Get upstairs now." I kind of stumbled in my words and said something about, "Ummm....uhhhh...I thought I was supposed to move the other implements to the Rubbermaid when we got back." He looked seriously at me and said, "That can wait. Get upstairs. Now." Why, especially after all of the punishments I received already, did I think I should try to negotiate?
I went to the bedroom (so far, all spankings have occurred in the bedroom) and he was right behind me. He told me to lower my workout pants and get out the plank. Oh. Crud. Not the plank! I walked into the closet very ashamed with my pants around my ankles. I came out and handed it to him and then bent over as instructed. I received FOUR very hard swats with the plank. My legs kind of broke down with the second, third and fourth swat and My Love sternly reminded me, "Get back in position." During each one, My Love said things like, "So do you want punishments?" "This is what punishments feel like Little Miss." Then I was told to get up and put the implement away.
In addition to the spankings, today's maintenance includes a variety of assignments. Some of the assignments are one-time and others are regular.
- I am to blog each experience - maintenance or otherwise.
- Each week, I am supposed to edit/update our booklet that lists rules, implements, etc.
- All my "toys" go to the Rubbermaid tonight and I only use them with prior permission from here on out.
- I am to add implement commentary to the implement post whenever a new implement is used.
- A list of ideas for appropriate shaming is to be created. Luckily, I can decide when this is done.
- I need to clean off my craft desk, which is a daily assignment that My Love graciously waived last night because I arrived home at 9:30pm from a long meeting.
- I need to research laser hair removal for down there and begin that process. If it doesn't get in the way of the laser treatments, I am also supposed to make an appointment to get a Brazilian wax done professionally.
- I am expected to create a blog post on positions and my impressions/experiences of each position.
Holy Cow. I'm going to be a busy girl. Earlier today, we talked about the possibility of an assigned bedtime during the training period as well - I'm not sure if that is happening or not, so I'd better conclude this and begin the office work I have to do.
Today's first swats were with My Love's hand. The feeling of his hand can vary greatly depending upon the force used and the specific area spanked. I'd say it was about a 7 out of 10 in the moment today but the hand's swats do not necessarily stay with me for long. Sometimes a spanking with the hand ranges more in the 4-6 range. When my sit spot was spanked, it hurt a great deal. Part of why it hurt more there is that the spot is still tender from previous spankings I have received this week. Spankings given by the hand in a series of short, quick, less hard swats really have their own nearly-bring-me-to-tears affect while harder smacks delivered one at a time seem more like punishment. I am always thankful when My Love chooses to move his hand around my bottom and/or sides of my bottom rather than spank the same spot over and over (which is more intense and painful).
When I saw this suggestion the CCDD website, I thought it sounded so silly. A gluestick? Really?! I found the longer (about 10" or 12") glue sticks at Michaels and brought them home thinking this would be a pretty harmless option that I would welcome. However, I now understand why it is used. It stings, stings, stings, STINGS like a dickens and it is VERY quiet. My husband mentioned today that it may be a good option for evening spankings, although I would be expected to not be as verbal or loud in reaction to it. I will really try if it comes to that, especially knowing that making noise if I've been told not to will only result in more severity one way or the other; however, it stings so much that the vocal reaction is non-voluntary. I would say that during a session, the gluestick is about an 8 but it most certainly does not stay with me. The sting fades and the pain is very surface level. I don't think it leaves marks for more than a few minutes either.
The board is a "brother" to the plank, but it is wider and shorter. It's sting was not as intense as the plank although the thud factor was pretty deep. It is kind of hard to rate it, because I encountered it about an hour or so after a long punishment spanking and immediately after and intermittently alongside a hand spanking for maintenance. My Love was not wielding it with the same intensity that he uses with the plank, so my rating may be affected by that too. I'm guessing it has the potential to bruise if used strongly enough. It's a 6 or 7 based on the experience I had with it today, but that might change if it is used more strongly...not that I'm requesting that! It was also very effective and nearly brought me to tears when My Love used it in a series of quick, repetitive swats.
Why in the world did I think it was a good idea to pick up the mini bat at Hobby Lobby when I saw it yesterday?! The bat was also probably an 8 out of 10. It is longer and more narrow that the brush, so it strikes both cheeks at once and covers a larger area. It has a stronger thud factor than the brush and stings a bit less than the brush. Since we have only used it today and that use was combined with other implements, I do not know how long the swats with the bat stay with me.
The hairbrush stings AND hurts. The impact penetrates more deeply. I would say this is the second more severe implement in our current collection (after the stick). The brush focuses usually on a concentrated area and also has a force to it that is a hard thud. This week, I have noticed that the swats with the brush stay with me for quite awhile - even up to 24 hours. During the spanking, the brush is probably an 8 out of 10. The hairbrush makes my bottom sore and I am reminded throughout the day that I have been spanked.
I have determined that I HATE the plank. It is definitely a punishment implement and I'd give it a 9 or 10 out of 10. It is about 18" long and is basically a 1" thick, 1.5" wide piece of treated outdoor lumber. It really hurts deeply and stays with me the longest of any of the implements. It leaves marks that last 24-48 hours and the soreness remains even after the marks fade. While there are likely implements that could be worse, I really can't imagine anything worse than the plank.
Riding Crop (added 1-24-11)
Sir pointed out to me today that I have not yet written up a "review" on the crop. It HURTS! It almost always stings and its force is focused on a small area, because there is a 1.5" x 2"leather flap at the end of the crop. The crop is made of leather and is probably about 2-3 feet long and maybe 1/2 inch in diameter. Having never received a spanking with just the crop, it is hard to know what its own lasting impact is. My guess is that it is long-lasting.
Cane (added 1-24-11)
Sir pointed out today that the cane had not yet been listed as an implement. After a caning this afternoon, Sir was putting it away and accidentally snapped it in two. As the worst of all implements, I can't say I was particularly disappointed in this news. The cane was bamboo, about 1/2 inch in diameter, hollow, and VERY quiet. It packed quite the punishment, however. It's sting was like no other and it landed across both cheeks, leaving day-long (or even two day-long) raised welts. It was definitely a 10 out of 10. RIP Cane - I hope nothing ever replaces your impact.
Today's spanking was really affected by how sore my bottom already is from the other spankings I have received this week. That was especially true in my "sit spot."
I was put on his side of the bed with 4 pillows under my hips and my body kind of slid out of position during the spanking. Perhaps I should have been expected to maintain position (or at least return to it when I slid). By not expecting that of me, my husband kind of let me off easy (in this aspect only!).
The corner time afterward - and especially the lecture during corner time - was very effective. The punishments this week have included enough spanking and force to provide adequate punishment, but, like we talked about this morning, the whole experience needs some continual tweaking. I wonder, though, if punishment spankings should occur in "sessions," as in: spanking-corner time-spanking for one infraction and additional rounds of corner time-spanking for each other infraction. I certainly felt punished today, but not necessarily for BOTH infractions. The corner time really did make a difference and could have even been longer. The lecture during it helped me reflect on my infractions a great deal.
Also...and I may be venturing into the dangerous territory of trying to "spank from the bottom," but My Love did say it was ok to offer suggestions and that my feedback was expected...the backs of my thighs were not really punished and could have also been swatted. Then, when I ate breakfast and when we went to the appointment we had, you let me stand. Maybe I should have been expected to sit.
We had tried DD in 2002 and it really kind of leaned more toward the erotic side of the spectrum. We have pondered going back to DD since 2003 (when we moved and stopped and then never resumed). This week, we began again. I need to lose about 25 pounds and we're hoping DD will help with that. I will have a weekly weigh in that can result in spankings if I haven't lost at least a pound and also a weekly maintenance spanking in addition to punishments. I'm an executive that works outside the home and my husband is the stay at home parent. He is a gentle, kind, insightful and wonderful man. DD helps us balance our relationship given the reverse roles we live on a day to day basis.
Right now and for the next three weeks, I am in a training period which includes daily spankings and strict rules. We are finessing our rules and communicating really well. I've been amazed at how my love and admiration for my husband has begun to bubble up this week. It's wonderful (although the spankings themselves are not!).
Usually maintenance will be on Friday (a day off from work for me), but this week it is happening today because I have to work tomorrow. I haven't had maintenance yet, though, because I had a 20 minute punishment spanking instead for not being ready for the morning spanking on time and for being sneaky about something on Monday (I just fessed up to this today and boy am I sorry!). After the punishment, I was sent to the closet door and told to put my hands on the door and place my feet shoulder width apart. I think he left me there for about 5 minutes, during which time he continued to ask my why I had been punished. He also commented on how red my naughty behind was. During punishment, I was spanked with each implement in our collection, and I am expected to write an essay about the feel of each one prior to today's maintenance session. I am supposed to describe the feel, sensation, level/depth of pain, sting, etc. He said to me as he was spanking me this morning, "I know you are a really good writer so I expect a very solid essay."
I am also expected to update our "booklet" each time we do weekly maintenance. We created (well...I created and he edited) a booklet with rules, implements, suggestions, etc when we began earlier this week. I also need to research laser hair removal (and get it done asap) and turn in all my "toys" to him...from now on, I only play with permission.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Now it is Tuesday night and I am so tired. I hope to post more of an update about the punishment, but my eyes just won't stay open now. It was ten full minutes of hard hand spanking (so hard I actually thought he had been using the hairbrush!) and many, many swats with the paddle which stings worse than I would have ever imagined. Suffice it to say that my bottom has hurt all day and that I'll be sleeping on my stomach.
Tomorrow morning is day three of "boot camp," as My Love just called it. I'm sure tomorrow's spanking will not be as severe as today's spanking. Just the same, I'm not looking forward to it!
One quick question for anyone willing to share their insights: how are your punishment spankings "complete". As in, how do you know when it has been effective? My spanking hurt and has continued to remind me all day about my transgression. However, it just didn't feel adequate or complete when it ended. Is corner time the answer? A corner time break with another round of swats? Is there something else My Love could be doing to round out the experience so I feel more fully punished?
Monday, January 3, 2011
Anyway, we have pondered going back to DD off and on for the last 6 years. Our return was motivated by a few factors: (1) I need to lose weight for health reasons and have not really been successful in losing weight over the last two years, and (2) My Love, who prefers I call him that instead of "Sir," is actually the stay at home parent and I work outside the home as an executive - we need to rebalance our marriage relationship and DD helps with that.
This morning, I received 23 swats with a hairbrush and 3 with a paddle. The 23 were one for each pound I need to lose. The other three for a very small "maintenance". My Love requested that I count each swat, which became more and more of a challenge with each one. The last 3 with the paddle really, really stung and were a challenge for me. On the second one, I wilted a bit but quickly resumed position. I came near tears, which had never happened in 2002. I was then instructed to remain in position until told otherwise. I'm not sure how long I stayed that way, but I did as I was told. It felt like a long time, but I'm sure it didn't last as long as it felt like it did.
I was shocked by how thankful and humbled I felt afterwards. In a way, I was proud of my normally gentle, calm Love for assuming the role. He says it's a role he will have to grow into. I was also surprised by the renewed energy I had throughout the day and by how giddy-in-love I felt with him all day.
As I reflect on this morning's experience, I am hopeful My Love will not be lenient, because I know I will try to test the limits. I am deeply thankful he is willing to discipline me. I am a little ashamed that I need a spanking to help me do what is best for me, but it's a fact. Nothing else seems to motivate me, and I'm thankful My Love is willing to help me reach my goals.
We are using a "training period" for the first three weeks, and I am both hopeful and tentative about that. Over the weekend, we came up with possible ideas for a training period and we created the rules for our arrangement. I do not know which parts of the training period My Love will employ - he says I will know when I need to know. I'm thankful he is embracing authority like this.
Our rules are pretty simple and are based on things that I need to work on:
- be on time (I'm always late and have already broken this one today)
- do not lose keys, journal, cell phone, etc
- balance checkbooks by noon each Friday and keep bills current
- ask for permission before spending more than $20
- take medications daily by 9am
- keep bedroom and closet clean and organized
- work out at least 3 times a week for 30 or more minutes
- no questioning my husband's authority and my punishments
- always respect and obey my husband. No arguing or sass
- keep a journal for food eaten, meds taken, punishments received
We will have weigh in procedures each Monday that will result in spankings if I haven't lost at least a pound, and we also have maintenance spankings each Friday.
All of this may sound strange to someone not into Domestic Discipline. Years ago, it would have sounded strange to me too. However, I've learned that it is just part of who I am and what I need. If it doesn't work for you, that's ok. I respect that. If it does, c'mon over to the blog anytime and walk this journey with me.