This morning, my husband was simply worn out and tired. That worked to my benefit - he said we would just increase the training period by a day and today would be a "snow day" of sorts. Training will also be extended for each day that there is a punishment during the training period. That means that instead of training concluding on January 21, we're now looking at January 26 since weekends aren't part of the arrangement.
Without meaning to, I seemed to create quite a stir on one of the email groups I am on. Last night, I asked for tips on helping with the process of submitting/humility...and then I added a trigger word after another slash: shaming. It seemed to kind of freak some people out. Maybe that's what I get for posting to the list so late at night - my brain was not at its most eloquent I suppose. I showed the posts to my husband, (1) thinking that he could see them at any time anyway because he has my passwords and I'd rather be forthcoming than have him discover them on his own, and (2) asking for guidance (as in: was I really that off base?). He was fine with it all and with my responses to those on the lists. That was reassuring.
What's been disappointing for me is that even given the volume of responses, the root question has barely been addressed. Instead, there have been a bunch of emails (from me and others) clarifying my choice of words. It's been interesting to see the range of interpretations - some are so tentative to offer insight (ironically, their insights seem to be most fitting and helpful) while one person jumped to unintended interpretations (Oh boy....the joy of email, I suppose. Ick.) and still others have been open to ask for clarification or enter into discussion (I appreciate these folks - I'm all for conversation and the back and forth has been helpful). This experience is yet another living example of what happens in human groups in general, how easily a group can get off topic, and how groups end up focusing on something that wasn't meant to be the focus. I'm part of this reality, too, and not trying to sound like an arrogant know-it-all with this observation.
The most interesting reflection on all this for me is how I react to the jumper. Reacting to someone who is reacting at/to me is a habit that is hard to break. In writing, I think I did a decent job. Inside my head, I get a little worked up. Then it just becomes an energy drain. What a silly waste of time and resources. Maybe someday, I'll learn.
So, anyway, the root question was one of submission. As someone who is sought for insight at work and who has professional influence, it is a challenge to shift gears at home. I think even my husband would agree that I am respectful - it's not like I come home and try to take over the world (usually I'm just too plain tired for that if nothing else). Respect isn't the issue and I do not come home and try to run the whole marriage and/or family. I'm not usually mouthy or bitchy or insistent.
The challenge is more of a mindset thing, and I would really like some help on this. I don't think either one of us know how to deal with this and I'm not so sure increased spanking is the answer (I think until tonight, I did think that was the answer). The struggle is that I want to want to be submissive from someplace deep inside me. I can say that I indeed want that but to REALLY live it and have it pour out of some place deep inside me is another matter. I can intellectualize it and "play the game," but that's just an inauthentic show. I think the challenge for me relates to dependence upon my husband. As someone who can hold her own professionally and financially, this gets kind of tricky. One person who responded suggested that perhaps my intellectual ability gets in the way and I think she is spot on. I wanted to give her a big hug - not just because she hit the nail on the head but also because it was sad to see how hesitant she was in her words. Reading her post reminded me of something a wise mentor once shared with me: "Speak your truth even if your voice shakes." I found myself wanting to encourage this dear soul to find, claim and use her voice.
On another note...no training during weekends. This is both good and bad. I'm wondering if my attitude will take a nosedive during the weekend. Will My Love's work from the week begin to fade? In some ways, I feel like we're on a precipice in all this and taking a break will cause us to go back a step.
I've heard ad nauseum that DD is a constant work in progress and is a process. I understand that and am willing to enter into that process. I guess maybe what is bugging me is the not knowing how to encounter this current predicament. How can My Love help guide me along the path of submission? Neither of us seem to know that answer.
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