Why am I craving a spanking today?

This last week, I received a spanking every single day (Monday-Friday). They were all either training or maintenance spankings. My HoH has most certainly upped the ante on the severity of training sessions, and many of the spankings had me near tears.

So today's question is....why in the world am I craving a spanking? I dreamt about it last night and I can't get the thought of a spanking out of my mind today. To answer the obvious question: no, I have not done anything to earn one except for two really, really minor rule violations this morning.

The Ineffective Crop Effectively Sticks With Me

Some days have passed since my in-a-funk post about that damn crop.  I have to admit now that I did indeed deserve that punishment and that it was effective in at least one way:  the soreness stuck with me for two days.  That lingering discomfort is always a great reminder to behave!

I came home with the beginnings of a migraine on Wednesday night and it raged throughout the night.  By morning, it was still lingering.  My Love kindly decided that a training spanking was not necessary given my aching head.  He did insist, though, that I go to the gym with him and work out.  I didn't want to, but I respected his instructions.

I had to leave early on Friday morning for a work commitment, so maintenance was scrapped this week. I'm sure Monday will bring a training spanking.  In the past, when we've missed a few days in a row, we seem to get into a funk.  I'm hopeful that doesn't happen this time.

A Protective Cat, An Annoying Implement, and Other Thoughts

It's been awhile since I've posted.  Until this morning, things have been pretty uneventful.

Most of last week ended up being non-spanking due to school cancellations for the kids.  Friday was maintenance, but it was pretty half-hearted and non-eventful.  I made it through all the snow days and the weekend without doing anything worthy of punishment...I guess I'm at least learning something.  Monday of this week came along without anything exciting - I had to be at work early that day so training wasn't held. 

Tuesday was weigh in day - down 1.4 lbs!!!  That meant no spanking related to weight.  However, I did receive a pretty extensive training spanking.  At the beginning of my spanking, as I lay on the bed, my cat curled up atop my legs.  I think she was trying to intervene!  The dog has now learned that if I head to my closet door for corner time, he prefers to get lost and not stick around in the room to watch the events!  Thank Goodness the cat at least sticks around and does what she can to help.

My Love mentioned that my sit spots looked a little bruised, which surprised me.  Those would have to be pretty old bruises.  Maybe, I hoped, it would tenderize his swats.  No such luck.  I'm not sure if it was because it's been awhile or because of the implements chosen or because of how He used them - regardless of the reason, it sure seemed like more than a training session to me.  I didn't really "appreciate" that (more on that later).  He used the dreaded riding crop - I'm not sure how to explain that tortuous device.  At the time of use, it hurts like hell, stings, leaves welts, and smacks down hard (especially at the tip where there is a little piece of leather all flattened). All that stated, I'm not sure it is "effective."  Beyond that, I'm struggling for words...the only way I can explain it is that it is annoying.  As a comparison, the cane was effective.  When we used one (before He broke ours inadvertently), it hurt, left welts, stung, got the point across, etc.  But it was also effective.  The crop...it's annoying.  And, no, I'm not simply trying to get out of it being used.  I'm really struggling with this whole thing.

Strangely enough, even with the annoying crop and all the wooden stingers used, I was surprised that the discomfort didn't stay with me throughout the day - at the time, the swats were certainly sufficient to cause a lingering effect.  Once someone has been at this awhile, does the lingering lessen?  It just doesn't make sense - the session itself was likely more severe than the previous ones that did have lingering effects.  I don't get it.


Then this morning came.  The day brought sunshine and a spanking.  Yesterday, after training, He asked me put the box of implements away.  I said I would as soon as I fed my fish (I'm pretty addicted to the iPad/iPod game Tapfish).  He was ok with that at the time (or at least seemed to be), but then I forgot to put the box away.  When I got home last night, the box was in my walk in closet but not where it is normally stored.  I was pretty sure this morning would bring a warming surprise.  I forgot one other time and I do know better, so this whole event just amps the ante on the annoyance factor.  Yes, I know I need to do what I'm told.  Yes, I know that not putting the box away could lead to the curious children finding it and asking about it.  Yes, I f-ed up.  Again.  Grr.  So this morning, out came the box and over the ottoman I went.


Here's what doesn't make sense, though.  The session was pretty severe and hurt like hell.  The stinging and pain bordered on more than I can bear.  I absolutely could not stay in position or stay still due to the stinging and the pain.  This most certainly wasn't a case of "not getting punished enough," yet at the end of it, I was more annoyed than penitent.  Maybe I'm just frustrated with myself for doing something (or rather, not doing something) so stupid and easy.  Maybe the honeymoon phase on our new lifestyle is wearing thin.  I've found myself lately honestly wondering if this makes sense for us and for me. Our deal is that we will do DD until I reach my goal weight (about 17 lbs to go), but I really have a sense of ick toward the whole thing right now. It's not just because I was just punished - I've been wondering this for a few days.

This Thursday and Friday

I just viewed the blog and saw that there was no update about, "Note that in your journal..."

Well, I got off easy on that. I received a warning and a training spanking on Thursday. Phew.

Friday was maintenance day. My Love has most definitely gotten the hang of maintenance! I was spanked while laying over the ottoman and OTK. He used his hand, the glue stick, the bat, and the damn brush. I once again came so close to tears. It's like I get right to the edge of tears and then pull it together. Sigh.

I also received punishment on Friday for a messy desk and for not filling out my journal. Those swats came with me resting my forearms on the bed and bending over for the swats. They were pretty dang hard, but I think most of that is because my bum is so sore from all the spankings this week. It seemed like everything stung too.

Emotionally, I was really wishing we weren't practicing DD during Friday's spanking and I really wanted to beg him to stop. One of our rules is that I only speak when spoken to during punishments, so I tried not to speak. I seem to be entering into a new emotional space with all this lately - It's like I'm beginning to wrestle with the reality that I have chosen not to choose and consented not to be able to consent. While I know that's part of the journey, a little part of me is bubbling up and getting feisty (quietly feisty anyway) about it.

After my spankings on Friday (each session was separated by corner time), I just wanted to lay down. Instead, I was instructed to get in the shower and get ready. I really didn't want to do that, but I knew better than to question Him or disobey. Then, once I was ready, he surprised me by taking me out to breakfast. A nice treat!

Later in the day, I had an appointment out of town. On my way back, I stopped to check my email on my iPod at a place where there was wireless. I lost track of time and ended up late to my next appointment. When I arrived there, I mentioned that I needed to cut our time short so I wouldn't be late to pick up the kids from school. The other person promised to watch the time, so I didn't. Well, as you might guess, I ended up having to call My Love and ask him to pick up the kids. My call ended up interrupting Him in the middle of something and He was not at all pleased.

Once I got home, he shared his displeasure and disappointment. I expressed that I really wished I didn't have to wait until Monday for punishment. He flatly said, "Me either. I'm pretty mad about the whole thing."

The Weekly Rule Review and Revision

After my third session today, I lay down on the bed on my tummy.  That final caning pretty much took the life out of me (and, as a side note, I was once again NEAR tears but not there.  Argh).  Sir sat down on the bed next to me and reviewed the Rule Book.  Each week, I am expected to update it and provide him with an updated copy of our 12-page document that includes suggestions for him from various websites, our rules, possible punishments, extra chore ideas, etc.

We ended up having a wonderful conversation for about a half hour.  We talked a lot about Him growing into His role as HoH and as the authority.  He is such a tender-hearted, kind, and calm man...sometimes the transition is tricky for him.  I shared that I feel safer knowing he is in charge, and I mentioned how much of a turning point it was for me last week when we agreed clearly that this lifestyle will be in place at least until I lose the 20 pounds I need to lose.  At that point, I realized that I'm not allowed to try to get out of a punishment or try to change the rules of the game whenever I want.  I reassured him that it will be really important to be very strict if I ever attempt to avoid a spanking or if I cop an attitude about this lifestyle.

We also talked about punishments and ultimate goals. We are still finding a groove regarding non-spanking punishments and the various options available to Him for this.  I seem to lean more quickly toward more stringent expressions, while He feels that we will get there if I continue to disobey and/or break certain rules.  He sees the situation as responding with a 5 and working up from there, while I seem to yearn for 10s during training so it is crystal clear who is in charge. I feel like the ultimate goal is my submission and his authority with secondary goals/effects being an improved and more intimate marriage and my own personal self-improvement.  Before our talk, His ultimate goal was to help me claim more personal responsibility (e.g., taking my meds, working out, being on time, etc).  It was helpful to clarify this.  We talked about how my disobedience in not following the rules is by far the most serious infraction and that breaking the rule itself is, while serious, a lesser infraction.

I am so deeply grateful He is willing to spank and discipline me.  He doesn't necessarily feel that this comes naturally for him, but I think that is exactly why this works for us and why I can turn over my trust to him.  If he was all psycho about tiny things and freaked out about totally trying to control me, I don't know that I could surrender to him so openly.  I actually encouraged him to "cross the line" (his words expressing his concern that he might overdo a punishment or become over-authoritarian). Until he does so, he won't know for certain where the line is for him.

Even with an incredibly sore bottom, I can say I am so grateful for Him.  When he is willing to spend time disciplining me and spend energy leaning into His role as HoH, He is displaying His love and commitment to our marriage, my wellbeing, and me.  I am so deeply in love with my wonderful, incredible Man!

It's been a few days

What a horrendous, horrible, rotten, no-good week! 

I had two high pressure meetings at work this week - one on Monday and one on Tuesday.  After the Tuesday meeting, I was completely spent.  Emotional energy was at an all-time low. When I came home on Tuesday, I asked My Love if we could take Wednesday morning off.  I had shared the details of the meeting with him by cell on my way home (don't worry - I have a hands free system!).  He agreed that made a lot of sense.

But...that's led us into a weird space.  Taking Wednesday off led to taking Thursday off and to a half-assed maintenance session on Friday.  Now we're in a funk.  We just finished talking about where we go from here.  We both see the benefits of the first week, and we both noticed a big change on Wednesday and Thursday.  At the same time, we're both clear that taking Wednesday off made a lot of sense.  Thursday?  Well, neither of us can decide if that was a good idea or not.

I really appreciate My Love's willingness to help me grow and change and also to have a voice in the tricky times.  We're both clear that right before a punishment is absolutely not a time when I can ask for reprieve, yet asking to take Wednesday off from training because of the intensity at work on both Monday and Tuesday made a lot of sense to both of us.  That request was not motivated by my behavior or trying to get out of a spanking, it was based on emotional energy levels and circumstances of life outside the bedroom.

We also talked about rules and whether there might be too many of them right now.  For example, sometimes I am late because it is just the nature of my work and my job tasks.  Perhaps those times of tardiness are ok, while other times are not.  It's a constant process of reflection, communication, and consideration.

We are trying to give this lifestyle the ole college try again starting on Monday with the weekly weigh in.  The rules will likely take another edit, too (we review them each Monday).  Sigh...it would be so nice if life was black and white and clear cut sometimes.  At the same time, it'd be pretty boring.

Ever Been to Brazil?

I'm not sure where the term "Brazilian" comes from for full shaving down there.  What I do know is that My Love wants me bare and was willing to pay $2,000 for laser hair removal.  I went to a consultation today, which turned into the first session.  I'm pretty thankful. Who wants to have to shave all the time and deal with nicks and ingrowns?  Who wants to experience the painful yanking and ripping of waxing?  Been there, done them both, and I'm really not into the smell and mess of depilatories.  I'm glad to not have to deal with any of those again.  I'm guessing that I'll want my legs and other areas done once this series is complete and there's money for it.

I thought the experience would be embarrassing but it really wasn't. Just like when I've has massages and facials, a wrap was provided and the tech was nonchalant (after all, this is what she does all the time.  I'm just another client).  I had a little split "skirt" wrap around my waist, and the technician only exposed a small section at a time.  The laser treatment itself really didn't hurt at all.  It had been described to me as "feeling like a quick rubber band snap."  I'm not sure I'd even say it was that ouchie.  Perhaps the strangest part was being shaved prior to treatment - I hadn't shaved myself because I didn't think they would be able to begin today and she was more than willing to do it and to prep the area. About halfway though, I wondered to myself if I had any marks on my bottom.  If I did, the technician was the consummate professional and did not say a word.  However, it was embarrassing to be lying there wondering. Immediately afterward, it was really warm where the laser had been.  That lasted less than an hour.  I have absolutely no discomfort or post-treatment issues now.

As you might expect, My Love was thrilled that the first session could occur today.  Full removal will take 6-9 sessions, each about 5-6 weeks apart.  What surprised me is that the tech treated the entire area today and will do likewise each time.  The full effect will occur over time.

Interesting Day...

This morning, my husband was simply worn out and tired.  That worked to my benefit - he said we would just increase the training period by a day and today would be a "snow day" of sorts.  Training will also be extended for each day that there is a punishment during the training period.  That means that instead of training concluding on January 21, we're now looking at January 26 since weekends aren't part of the arrangement.

Without meaning to, I seemed to create quite a stir on one of the email groups I am on.  Last night, I asked for tips on helping with the process of submitting/humility...and then I added a trigger word after another slash:  shaming.  It seemed to kind of freak some people out.  Maybe that's what I get for posting to the list so late at night - my brain was not at its most eloquent I suppose.  I showed the posts to my husband,  (1) thinking that he could see them at any time anyway because he has my passwords and I'd rather be forthcoming than have him discover them on his own, and (2) asking for guidance (as in:  was I really that off base?).  He was fine with it all and with my responses to those on the lists.  That was reassuring.

What's been disappointing for me is that even given the volume of responses, the root question has barely been addressed. Instead, there have been a bunch of emails (from me and others) clarifying my choice of words.  It's been interesting to see the range of interpretations - some are so tentative to offer insight (ironically, their insights seem to be most fitting and helpful) while one person jumped to unintended interpretations (Oh boy....the joy of email, I suppose.  Ick.) and still others have been open to ask for clarification or enter into discussion (I appreciate these folks - I'm all for conversation and the back and forth has been helpful). This experience is yet another living example of what happens in human groups in general, how easily a group can get off topic, and how groups end up focusing on something that wasn't meant to be the focus. I'm part of this reality, too, and not trying to sound like an arrogant know-it-all with this observation.

The most interesting reflection on all this for me is how I react to the jumper.  Reacting to someone who is reacting at/to me is a habit that is hard to break.  In writing, I think I did a decent job.  Inside my head, I get a little worked up. Then it just becomes an energy drain.  What a silly waste of time and resources.  Maybe someday, I'll learn.

So, anyway, the root question was one of submission.  As someone who is sought for insight at work and who has professional influence, it is a challenge to shift gears at home.  I think even my husband would agree that I am respectful - it's not like I come home and try to take over the world (usually I'm just too plain tired for that if nothing else).  Respect isn't the issue and I do not come home and try to run the whole marriage and/or family.  I'm not usually mouthy or bitchy or insistent.

The challenge is more of a mindset thing, and I would really like some help on this.  I don't think either one of us know how to deal with this and I'm not so sure increased spanking is the answer (I think until tonight, I did think that was the answer).  The struggle is that I want to want to be submissive from someplace deep inside me.  I can say that I indeed want that but to REALLY live it and have it pour out of some place deep inside me is another matter.  I can intellectualize it and "play the game," but that's just an inauthentic show.  I think the challenge for me relates to dependence upon my husband.  As someone who can hold her own professionally and financially, this gets kind of tricky.  One person who responded suggested that perhaps my intellectual ability gets in the way and I think she is spot on.  I wanted to give her a big hug - not just because she hit the nail on the head but also because it was sad to see how hesitant she was in her words.  Reading her post reminded me of something a wise mentor once shared with me:  "Speak your truth even if your voice shakes."  I found myself wanting to encourage this dear soul to find, claim and use her voice.

On another note...no training during weekends.  This is both good and bad.  I'm wondering if my attitude will take a nosedive during the weekend.  Will My Love's work from the week begin to fade?  In some ways, I feel like we're on a precipice in all this and taking a break will cause us to go back a step.

I've heard ad nauseum that DD is a constant work in progress and is a process.  I understand that and am willing to enter into that process.  I guess maybe what is bugging me is the not knowing how to encounter this current predicament.  How can My Love help guide me along the path of submission?  Neither of us seem to know that answer.

One of many posts for today...

My husband is most certainly the head of the household.  Even though, we just recently re-started a DD lifestyle, he seems to have fully and completely adapted to his HoH role already (just four days into it).  I'm so deeply thankful for that (except for during the actual, painful spankings!).

We had tried DD in 2002 and it really kind of leaned more toward the erotic side of the spectrum.  We have pondered going back to DD since 2003 (when we moved and stopped and then never resumed).  This week, we began again.  I need to lose about 25 pounds and we're hoping DD will help with that.  I will have a weekly weigh in that can result in spankings if I haven't lost at least a pound and also a weekly maintenance spanking in addition to punishments.  I'm an executive that works outside the home and my husband is the stay at home parent.  He is a gentle, kind, insightful and wonderful man.  DD helps us balance our relationship given the reverse roles we live on a day to day basis.

Right now and for the next three weeks, I am in a training period which includes daily spankings and strict rules.  We are finessing our rules and communicating really well.  I've been amazed at how my love and admiration for my husband has begun to bubble up this week.  It's wonderful (although the spankings themselves are not!).

Usually maintenance will be on Friday (a day off from work for me), but this week it is happening today because I have to work tomorrow.  I haven't had maintenance yet, though, because I had a 20 minute punishment spanking instead for not being ready for the morning spanking on time and for being sneaky about something on Monday (I just fessed up to this today and boy am I sorry!).  After the punishment, I was sent to the closet door and told to put my hands on the door and place my feet shoulder width apart.  I think he left me there for about 5 minutes, during which time he continued to ask my why I had been punished.  He also commented on how red my naughty behind was.  During punishment, I was spanked with each implement in our collection, and I am expected to write an essay about the feel of each one prior to today's maintenance session.  I am supposed to describe the feel, sensation, level/depth of pain, sting, etc.  He said to me as he was spanking me this morning, "I know you are a really good writer so I expect a very solid essay."

I am also expected to update our "booklet" each time we do weekly maintenance.  We created (well...I created and he edited) a booklet with rules, implements, suggestions, etc when we began earlier this week.  I also need to research laser hair removal (and get it done asap) and turn in all my "toys" to him...from now on, I only play with permission.