After my third session today, I lay down on the bed on my tummy. That final caning pretty much took the life out of me (and, as a side note, I was once again NEAR tears but not there. Argh). Sir sat down on the bed next to me and reviewed the Rule Book. Each week, I am expected to update it and provide him with an updated copy of our 12-page document that includes suggestions for him from various websites, our rules, possible punishments, extra chore ideas, etc.
We ended up having a wonderful conversation for about a half hour. We talked a lot about Him growing into His role as HoH and as the authority. He is such a tender-hearted, kind, and calm man...sometimes the transition is tricky for him. I shared that I feel safer knowing he is in charge, and I mentioned how much of a turning point it was for me last week when we agreed clearly that this lifestyle will be in place at least until I lose the 20 pounds I need to lose. At that point, I realized that I'm not allowed to try to get out of a punishment or try to change the rules of the game whenever I want. I reassured him that it will be really important to be very strict if I ever attempt to avoid a spanking or if I cop an attitude about this lifestyle.
We also talked about punishments and ultimate goals. We are still finding a groove regarding non-spanking punishments and the various options available to Him for this. I seem to lean more quickly toward more stringent expressions, while He feels that we will get there if I continue to disobey and/or break certain rules. He sees the situation as responding with a 5 and working up from there, while I seem to yearn for 10s during training so it is crystal clear who is in charge. I feel like the ultimate goal is my submission and his authority with secondary goals/effects being an improved and more intimate marriage and my own personal self-improvement. Before our talk, His ultimate goal was to help me claim more personal responsibility (e.g., taking my meds, working out, being on time, etc). It was helpful to clarify this. We talked about how my disobedience in not following the rules is by far the most serious infraction and that breaking the rule itself is, while serious, a lesser infraction.
I am so deeply grateful He is willing to spank and discipline me. He doesn't necessarily feel that this comes naturally for him, but I think that is exactly why this works for us and why I can turn over my trust to him. If he was all psycho about tiny things and freaked out about totally trying to control me, I don't know that I could surrender to him so openly. I actually encouraged him to "cross the line" (his words expressing his concern that he might overdo a punishment or become over-authoritarian). Until he does so, he won't know for certain where the line is for him.
Even with an incredibly sore bottom, I can say I am so grateful for Him. When he is willing to spend time disciplining me and spend energy leaning into His role as HoH, He is displaying His love and commitment to our marriage, my wellbeing, and me. I am so deeply in love with my wonderful, incredible Man!
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